Bedtime – Saturday August 23rd

Holly caught me by surprise a little at bedtime tonight. We had taken her to a local music festival and she’d really enjoyed the music. Then it was a late night and as I tucked her in she said “I don’t ever want you or Daddy to die Mummy”. I explained that we won’t die for a long, long, long, long, long time. She went on to say that she feels very sad and that she really misses Oscar. I said that I felt the same. Then she said: “I feel sad all the time. Even when I am happy and doing fun things I am sad”. Even when it is my birthday I will be sad”.  It was such a poignant conversation as that is how David and I feel too.

Oscar’s Funeral – Wednesday August 6th 2014

Today Oscar would have been 18 months old and instead we buried him. Funnily enough it is ten o’clock at night and that’s the first time I had remembered his 18 month birthday today. It’s been a very draining day but it went how we wanted it to go. The sun was shining, it was quiet and peaceful, we carried Oscar’s coffin to the grave ourselves.  As DC puts it, at least we are now sleeping under the same sky. [···]

A conversation with Holly – Monday 21st July

Had an interesting conversation with Holly in the car today. It came, as usual, quite out of the blue:

“How old is Oscar now?”
“He’s 16 months.”
“Yes, but how old is he now?”
“He’s still 16 months, not quite one and a half years”
“so does that mean Oscar won’t grow up Mummy?”
“that’s right”
“so when I see him in heaven I will be much older than him?”
“yes, that’s right Hols”
“I will give him a cuddle in heaven. Where will we play?”
“I don’t know you’ll have to ask him when you see him.”
“..and where will we sleep?”
“I’m not sure. But Oscar will know how it all works so he’ll help you out.”
“Maybe we’ll sleep on a cloud!”

… happy conclusion to a perfectly content information gathering conversation

Holly – Tuesday July 8th 2014

Holly had an amazing day today. Debbie, at nursery, had organised to release some balloons in order for the children to say goodbye to Oscar. Holly was involved throughout the preparation. She blew up the balloons and, with Debbie, explained to the other children what they were doing and why. She was unbelievably composed.


When she got home tonight she asked to write a card to Oscar and wrote the following… it was all done with a cheerful voice but her few words told us exactly where she is at:

“Dear Oscar,

I would like you to come back now. I would like to see you in heaven. Thank you for coming to my 3rd birthday party. I would like you to come to my next birthday party, when I am four.

Thank you

Love from Holly”


Luckily we are told that at Holly’s age she can only manage her sadness in small chunks. So we make sure that we don’t miss anything if she refers to Oscar, and we follow her lead. After a very short conversation she changes the subject and the moment has passed. And then we all live a ‘normal’ life. She has no idea but this is what keeps us sane.

Empty Spaces – Monday July 7th 2014

This morning I moved Oscar’s highchair into the garage. It didn’t seem like a big deal as we move chairs around a lot but as I did it tears were streaming. DC tried to arrange the remaining chairs as there was a big gap left behind, but no matter how he rearranged it didn’t work. You could just imagine Oscar’s head spinning around and calling “Daddyyyyy!” It just shows the emptiness in our lives that Oscar has left behind.

Finding a Path – Sunday July 6th 2014

In the first couple of days after Oscar died we were really good at sounding positive. We said his life could not have been in vain. We said we had to live, not die. We saw websites and did a tiny amount of reading which made a lot of sense to us. It suggested that you can’t grieve and then return to your old life because that life is gone. But you can treat your new life like a blank sheet of paper and do exactly what you want to do. Be more ‘you’ than you ever were before. It didn’t mean forgetting Oscar. It meant always being a family of four. Always having him there and learning to live with that. [···]

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