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Holly had an amazing day today. Debbie, at nursery, had organised to release some balloons in order for the children to say goodbye to Oscar. Holly was involved throughout the preparation. She blew up the balloons and, with Debbie, explained to the other children what they were doing and why. She was unbelievably composed.

When she got home tonight she asked to write a card to Oscar and wrote the following… it was all done with a cheerful voice but her few words told us exactly where she is at:

“Dear Oscar,

I would like you to come back now. I would like to see you in heaven. Thank you for coming to my 3rd birthday party. I would like you to come to my next birthday party, when I am four.

Thank you

Love from Holly”

Luckily we are told that at Holly’s age she can only manage her sadness in small chunks. So we make sure that we don’t miss anything if she refers to Oscar, and we follow her lead. After a very short conversation she changes the subject and the moment has passed. And then we all live a ‘normal’ life. She has no idea but this is what keeps us sane.

In the first couple of days after Oscar died we were really good at sounding positive. We said his life could not have been in vain. We said we had to live, not die. We saw websites and did a tiny amount of reading which made a lot of sense to us. It suggested that you can’t grieve and then return to your old life because that life is gone. But you can treat your new life like a blank sheet of paper and do exactly what you want to do. Be more ‘you’ than you ever were before. It didn’t mean forgetting Oscar. It meant always being a family of four. Always having him there and learning to live with that. [···]