In the first couple of days after Oscar died we were really good at sounding positive. We said his life could not have been in vain. We said we had to live, not die. We saw websites and did a tiny amount of reading which made a lot of sense to us. It suggested that you can’t grieve and then return to your old life because that life is gone. But you can treat your new life like a blank sheet of paper and do exactly what you want to do. Be more ‘you’ than you ever were before. It didn’t mean forgetting Oscar. It meant always being a family of four. Always having him there and learning to live with that.
Two weeks in and how we get to that state of mind feels further away than before. The loss feels deeper and deeper. Our sadness more intense. And we miss him in every one of our waking breaths. The daytimes are the hardest. And weekends even harder. I imagine the holidays will be challenging too. Every day feels like an eternity at the moment. Every minute like an hour.
But we will find a way. A way of feeling some degree of peace, if not true happiness. At the moment we don’t know how to find that way so we are just doing lots of talking and we will do lots of reading and try to form some ideas that work for us.